


Unread

by mephestopheles



Series: Interludes of My Still Beating Heart [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, M/M, Tags Added per Chapter, Thorin centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-04-04 14:59:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 8,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4142115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mephestopheles/pseuds/mephestopheles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin Oakenshield wrote to Bilbo Baggins during their years apart, they were never read. These are those letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 30th October, 2923

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!!
> 
> All right so first up, a huge thank you to [Striving Artist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist/pseuds/StrivingArtist) and [The Lady Zephyr](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyZephyr/pseuds/TheLadyZephyr) for all their help and listening to me flail on skype about this entire universe. They have been wonderful and amazing and magical and fantastic. I honestly cannot gush about them enough. You should totally go read their fics and stalk them on tumblr because they deserve all the cookies and alcohol in the world. 
> 
> This isn't the sequel, obviously, this is a small companion piece of all those letters Thorin sent that Bilbo never read. Warnings will apply per chapter and the plan is to release them once a week or so up until I have part two ready or near enough to complete that I'm comfortable with posting.
> 
> It's really important that anyone who reads this should read/have read [Interludes](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3791941). You will not understand this otherwise as it is definitely a dependent fic. 
> 
>  
> 
> I really hope you guys like this, and thank you everyone for your interest in this 'verse. It's very near and dear to my heart.

30th October 2923  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, Bag Shot Row  
West Farthing, Shire

 

 

Light of my soul,

 

 

 

The rains have been especially harsh these last weeks. I do so hope you are not on the road. I have increased the patrols near the pass just in case.

With regards to my first letter, I can only offer my most humble of apologies once more. I do not have any excuse as to why I never told you. Any pretense of suspicion dissolved when you and I collected my belongings from the wagon.

You continued to prove yourself worthy as that year progressed. And then you shared with  me your most private self. I can only say that while caution might have stalled my tongue at first, cowardice kept it quiet.

I should have told you. I had every opportunity and squandered each one saying “another time.” While I have done right by my family and the remnants of my clan, we are nowhere near the glory we once knew. Shame for our current circumstances has made me reticent.

I want to show you the glory of my people. I want to shower you in all that is glorious, for you have lifted my soul out of the soot and ichor that has tarnished it since my home was taken from me.

I know, Bilbo, that you say you don’t need ‘shiny things’ and I believe you, for avarice has never touched your soul. But know that my gifting you with all that you deserve will not be done to ply you with material items. It is to show you through the work of my simple hands what you mean to me.

Words fail me my dear Hobbit. I am in awe of you; your tenacity, your bravery, your trueness of character. You have faced hardship in your community, and I do so hope that hardship has passed, that the Thain has finally seen the error of his ways. You deserve so much Bilbo. I hope to spend the rest of my life proving that.

The plans for the new city continue, though progress is slowed because of the weather. We dwarrow are not suited to living under the sky and stars. It is too big, too wide, too loud. But we shall persevere. We have little choice.

I have overseen the plans for most of the city and I have tried to include several gardens and spaces for greenery in the city centre. I must confess, I miss the rolling green hills of your home. I miss the scent of flowers.

I miss your lemon cakes.

Most especially, I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss holding you. I spent three years keeping my distance, waiting until the time was right. We spent such a short time happy together this past summer. I would have you in my arms again this night if I could.

I have never felt like this before, Bilbo. I have never desired another. I have never craved their attention, their admiration, let alone their touch. But you, oh you, dear Bilbo. I still feel your fingers in my hair. You are miles from me, and I wish that distance did not divide us so, for I would hold you close and kiss you as we did in your kitchen.

I dare not say more, I do not wish for this letter to sound untoward or inappropriate. Know that I adore you my darling one. The distance has only sharpened my yearning for you.

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope Hobbiton has become a peaceful home for you once more. And I hope you will be able to join me here soon. I await your response eagerly.

 

Ever Yours,

 

  
Thorin Oakenshield.


	2. 2nd November, 2923

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Striving Artist and The Lady Zephyr are fantastic and you should go read all of their fics and follow them on tumblr.

2nd November 2923  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Shire

 

Dearest One,

 

I fear my last letter was too forward. I once again offer my sincere apologies. I would never wish to cause you discomfort.

 

I did not give you enough time to process the news of the first letter. Again, I offer my most humble of apologies for deceiving you. I fear I have spurned your trust, especially after you showed such courage in sharing your secret with me. You have such a wonderful heart, my Bilbo, I hope that you will find it within your boundless generosity to forgive me.

 

Love always,

  
Thorin Oakenshield

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All you lovely people that have been reading my fics are awesome and deserve so many cookies and cakes. If I could bake something for all of you I would. Instead I shall give you the slow crumbling of Thorin's heart. See you next week!


	3. 15th November 2923

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All thanks for Striving-Artist and TheLadyZephyr for everything they've done and continue to do listening to me with my little universe. Go read their awesome fics.

15th November 2923  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row  
West Farthing, Shire

 

Dear Sunshine,

 

The town hall was finished this week, and I am writing to you in my new office. It is sparsely decorated and I await your arrival eagerly for I know you have an eye to these sorts of things. You will probably say I need more greenery. You will be right of course,  but I cannot tell one pink flower from another so I will leave that in your most capable hands.  

 

I hope you are well. A chill has set in here in the mountains. The sea is so close it steals the sunlight and taints the air with an ever present scent of brine. The Men in the neighbouring city call it refreshing.

 

I do not.

 

It has been nearly two months since I left the Shire and I find it hard to remember the scent of it. I miss the smell of grass, and your flowers. I know if any of my family read that they would think I am being undwarvish. But they do not know. They do not understand. It is not really the smell of grass that I miss. I miss walking through West Farthing woods with you and taking a picnic. Or laying down in a field and watching clouds.

 

I am a dwarf that is much used to movement, to keeping busy. My time with you was easy, there were no requirements upon me beyond the forge and your well being. I have loved you for years, my darling one. I have loved you with every beat of my heart. Mahal himself put me on that road, guided me onto that path so that I might find you.

 

You are so dear to me. I hope your tenants are no longer giving you such trouble. I fear to say what I truly hope. I fear that if I write it within these pages, that by wishing it, I will perhaps jinx our reunion. I do not wish to make assumptions upon your person, but in my heart of hearts I hope that you have forgiven me.

 

I feel as if you have, and yet I have no surety. Mail has been slow of late because of the increasing chill. I fear I will not hear from you before the snows cover the pass, and then I will have to wait for them to clear again. I live in constant hope that you are handling your affairs within the Shire and are making plans to come here.

 

I fervently wished that we could have been happy within the Shire. Bag End is your home, and I would never force you to leave it. My heart pains me that I have even offered such a solution. But I am a selfish and greedy dwarf. I miss you so very much. I want you by my side.

 

I dearly hope that I can make you happy here with me.

 

Eternally,

Thorin Oakenshield


	4. 25th November, 2923

25th November, 2923  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

 

 

Dearest,

 

The snows began to fall this week. I fear I will not see you until spring. My heart is all the heavier for it.

I miss you so very much.

 

 

Yours forever, 

Thorin Oakenshield

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading my fics, once again Striving-Artist and TheLadyZephyr are my partners in crime and have been marvelous in helping with this fic.


	5. 2nd December, 2923

2nd December, 2923

Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

  
Dearest Bilbo,

 

I have never told you of Erebor.

 

I have longed to tell you of my home. But my memories are so few. I have hoarded them away to keep them safe. To keep them where they are untainted by repeated viewing. I remember the vaulted ceilings with veins of gold and silver that ran through the stone as if they were rivers.

I remember the markets, filled to bursting with dwarrow who made a living by their craft. The palace is so beautiful I dare any other place in this world to compare. Green stone and seams of gold with lanterns as big as men and bigger. I remember my family’s rooms. The private chambers where we used to sit in front of the fire where amad would sing and tell stories.

I remember most fondly the mithril guild halls. I remember running around and betwixt the forges and smiths as amad created items of such lustrous beauty. She used to take all of us there when I was very small. I remember finding hidden paths through Erebor and sneaking up and away, out of the mountain. I was four when I first saw the sky, and thought the stars were diamonds.

I remember the library and spending hours learning and being tutored in the ways of court. Reading the histories of my our people and staring at the tapestries that lined the walls. There are murals and mosaics upon some of the walls of the palace that are so tall you cannot possibly see all of it. They capture pieces of our history and our culture that cannot be contained in books.

And all of it was taken by a dragon.

I turned twenty-four the year a dragon broke through the front gates. It unleashed its fiery wroth upon what little defense we could mount before it was upon us.

It was hopeless. Tens of thousands of us were driven from the mountain, choking on soot and ash. Singed by flames, and scalded by heat. I managed to save my grandfather, but our plight and long exile had only just begun.

So many more perished in those halls. My mind turns back to the mountain more often these days. I find myself drawn to it. Perhaps it is because I have tasted home so briefly and yet so wondrously within your arms, that without them I long for what once was.

There is much more to my life than what these pages contain. I should like to tell you of it in person. I live in the hope that I may do so.

One day.

Until then, my darling. I hope you are safe and happy.

 

Thorin

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have no idea how much I adore each and every one of you. Special thanks go to my partners in crime, Strivingartist and TheladyZephyr, they're fantastic and you should read everything they've written. 
> 
> To those who might need a fluffy pick up (read shameless plug), I now have a thorin/bilbo/dwalin fic called A Lovely Offer up. IT's smut and fluff so it might help. :D


	6. 26th January 2924

26th January 2924  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

 

The Sunshine of my Soul,

 

Bilbo, I apologize for this and I hope that this letter reaches you before news of the sale does. I know I requested that you handle it on my behalf, but there have been setbacks with the city. Thydith is nearby and their Lord has refused to send the usual allotment of grain and we were required to purchase it elsewhere. I do not wish to trouble you with these issues, especially through correspondence. Know that I love you. Know that I still await your arrival and hope to see you come through the pass once spring has cleared the snows.

I worry I do not have much time. I shall endeavour to write again, and soon.

 

Love always,

  
Thorin Oakenshield.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally into a new year. We've agreed that I'm breaking everyone's hearts and am horrible? 
> 
> Yeah. 
> 
> Striving-artist is the best btws. Also feel free to hit me up on tumblr [Mephestopheles-under-the-oaktree](http://mephestopheles-under-the-oaktree.tumblr.com/)


	7. 19th April, 2924

19th April 2924  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

 

 

Master Baggins 

  
I believe I have not earned your forgiveness. I hesitate to write down the full extent of my fears in these letters, for they may be true. Oh my love. I have hurt you most egregiously. I have damaged your trust in our relationship. All of it is my fault.

I wish that I could deliver this to you in person so that I may offer these apologies to you face to face. I find myself trapped here, within these new city walls. The guild masters are arguing and causing strife as we determine the location of the districts within the city proper. Everyone has their opinion and I am unable to foist this duty off on my sister Dis, or my cousin Balin as we are all needed to handle the negotiations. It is a necessary evil that keeps me from you, one that will hopefully ensure my people's survival. I think of you daily, I miss you so very much. I again offer you my most sincere of apologies. I do so hope you will read these and find it in your heart to forgive me one day. You are such a kind and gentle soul. I do not deserve your forgiveness.

 

I will await your missive before I send another.

Love eternally,

Thorin Oakenshield

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> many if you were waiting for the moment Thorin lost hope? Uhm... yeah it's coming, but here's a preview. 
> 
> Striving-artist is magic. Thank you all of you for reading, I know this one hurts, and it's not going to get better until part two. Those who are persevering, I love you all. Come hit me up on tumblr, Mephestopheles-under-the-oaktree. :D


	8. 28th, January 2925

28th January, 2925

Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

 

 

Bilbo,

 

Are you well? Please tell me you are unhurt my darling.

 

  
Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Striving-Artist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist) is the bestest, seriously this fic wouldn't be nearly what it is without her epic-beta-ing. And I'm really sorry, this fic is just going to get more angsty as it goes. To everyone who is reading along, I'm so glad you're still with me, you are all fantastic, and I really feel bad I'm tearing your hearts out. I'm horribly behind in replying to comments, but know that I adore you all and love to hear from you. :D


	9. 28th March, 2925

28th March, 2925  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

Mister Baggins,

 

Have I offended you? Does my meaningless title offend your hobbit sensibilities so much that you choose to ignore me when a simple response would end my misery? Did I mean so little in your eyes that you cannot find it in you to even bother with a letter in kind?

You have been far more forgiving of the hobbits in your company. Those petty and hateful people who have scorned you and treated you awfully. You have found excuse after excuse for their horrible behaviour and yet here I am, two years from seeing you and you have not seen fit to even send a missive, not even a note to tell me our courtship is finished.

What have I done to deserve this from you? I have omitted one facet of who I am. A mere scintilla of my being and you judge me more harshly than anyone else. Your silence judges me worse than your words ever could. I had thought better of you. I had thought you above the pettiness of your kind.

Are you so weak hearted that you would choose to hide in your Shire rather than give me a proper answer? Are you that fickle? Am I that undeserving? You wound me, Mister Baggins. I honestly expected better. I knew your parents only briefly but I had thought they would teach you better manners than this.

I understand your kind hide behind politesse, but I know well they hoard rumour the way a dragon hoards gold. Am I now the joke of Hobbiton? Do you go down to the pub with each of my letters and share my secrets around to the others. Laugh with them over the silly dwarf with his heart on his sleeve?

I deserve an answer Mister Baggins.

Put me from my misery, hobbit. Send back my bead and have done. Or have you sold that as well? Did you get rid of it as soon as I had left your Shire? You have told me more than once you care not a whit for ‘shiny things’. Did you sell it to fill your pantry or did the symbol of my love purchase you a new weskit?

Answer me, hobbit. Tell me you no longer love me. Tell me so that I can hate you and go about my life as if you never offered me sunshine.

  
Thorin, Son of Thrain, King Under the Mountain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to hide now. All hail my wonderful beta [Striving-Artist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist/pseuds/StrivingArtist), I'd say blame her for this letter, but really it's all on me. All she said was make me feel it.
> 
> You are all lovely, thank you so much for reading. If you see anything that needs to be warned for let me know.


	10. 5th of October, 2925

5th of October, 2925  
Bilbo Baggins  
Bag End, 3 Bag Shot Row   
West Farthing, Hobbiton  
Shire

 

Bilbo,

 

I humbly apologize for my last correspondence. I have much to atone for. My anger has once again gotten the better of me and I let it out upon you. Missing you is an ache I never thought I would have to face. I cannot bear it.

Please know that I do not offer that to excuse or explain my behaviour. What I said to you in my previous letter was abhorrent and borne from fear. It is no excuse for how I have treated you, but it has left me ill equipped to handle this silence.

I can only say that I am truly very sorry. And I will do everything in my ability to prove I am sincere. I will endeavour to keep my letters more considerate.

I hope to one day be worthy of you.

 

 

Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Striving-artist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist/pseuds/StrivingArtist) my fantastic, wonderful, brilliant beta. 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading. <3


	11. 4th, December, 2925

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if I need to warn for anything.

4th, December, 2925  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire  
  


 

Why do you not write to me Bilbo? At first I thought the weather had caused problems, then perhaps you were angry. But you are a gentle and kind person, you have never managed to maintain your anger at one person for very long. Even that silly hobbit Lobelia never earned your ire for more than a few weeks. Something new no doubt restarts the continued grudge, but you always let things go. You seemed incapable of holding a grudge.

 

So why now with me?

 

It has been two years. I know your anger would have faded by now, so there must be another reason. It is not that you do not wish to write me, but that you cannot. And I fear the reasons behind that. I do not wish to write it here, fearing the writing of it might make it true. But Bilbo, I must know. Did that wretched uncle get his way? Was the winter I left you truly horrible and you followed their wishes so we could wed? Did they put you in a dress? Are you going by Miss now?

 

Mahal, Bilbo. I left you there alone. How I hurt you when I didn’t come back. I must have seemed fickle and unworthy in their wretched eyes, they had you then. Trapped in a dress with no power to throw off their rules and laws.

 

Did they marry you off to some hobbit? Is that what they do in the Shire? I have heard of tales from the Men where marriages are for power and prestige. You were of a genteel class, and you were blissfully unaware of power structures. I could see even in my limited view that some hobbits cared very deeply about the divide between gentility and the other classes.

 

They wouldn’t have let you linger unwed for long. You said once a hobbit’s sole reason for marriage is to continue the family line. You are the **son** of two great families. And they forced you to be their _daughter_. Mahal it makes me sick just writing it.

 

I dare not go and see for myself. I cannot see that this is true. You told me once that hobbits do not have Ones. Perhaps this is not the horrible sentence I have imagined it to be. Perhaps you have fallen in love with him and you have finally found happiness. I do not believe it. I cannot believe that you could be happy with their demands, their awful behaviour. Please tell me this is not true. That I have not left you in such a state. What have I done?

 

Please tell me anything.

 

Thorin

  
No matter what they have done to you or forced you into, Bilbo. Know that I will love you for the rest of my life. You are my One and I will never love another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Striving-Artist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist/pseuds/StrivingArtist) is the bestest beta ever. 
> 
> Please let me know if I should warn for anything in this chapter. Thank you all for reading!


	12. 2nd April 2926

2nd April, 2926  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire

 

 

Bilbo,

 

I miss my home. I miss it as if a piece of me has been ripped from my body and held just out of arm’s reach. I can gaze upon it, but I am never allowed to grasp it.The Lonely Mountain, Erebor, was more than just a mountain. It was a metropolis, with the palace at its centre. The Hall of Kings was the entrance to the Mountain and it was so grand Bilbo, with vaulted ceilings and tapestries that took thousands of dwarrow decades to complete.

The city was separated by levels connected via intersecting staircases. Nobility and the Royal family lived near the centre, with artisans and merchants living interspersed but generally closer to the Market halls. Each Guild had their own level and a central location for their forges. Oh Bilbo, the forges. The Forges of Erebor put the forges of men and elves to shame. They were towering feats of engineering with bellows as large as sailing vessels. They could melt tonnes of gold in minutes and they were never left to cool.

The aqueducts brought water constantly to the forges and there was a plumbing system that ran water through the forge room for heating for the baths and cleaning. Miners and their families generally lived closer to the mines to which they belonged.

I understand this might seem striated, but understand that Erebor at its height was richer than any other kingdom in the west. No one suffered, no one knew want.

That is why when the dragon came, it was such a shock. And not only to us, but to the human city of Dale. Oh, Bilbo, Dale burned the day the dragon came. They all suffered so much. Girion tried, valiantly. We found out later he gave his life trying to save us all. He was a true king, and died in defense of his people.  We all suffered in those days. Our kind still do. Dale had to be abandoned. There was no where for us to turn. The other kingdoms could not accommodate our numbers.

I was twenty-four when the dragon came.

I remember Fili at that age. I remember Kili. They were children, they still are, neither of them are of age yet. They are still so young. I had the welfare of my clan, the welfare of thousands of dwarrow to care for, to protect, to guide, placed upon my shoulders.

In those days I did everything I could to prove I could be of service to my king. To show that I could lead our people. I remembered all of their lectures, their guidance. But they taught me to rule during prosperous times. They did not prepare me for the agony of poverty. They did not show me that the world could be unkind, cruel, and harsh. I did not think that there would be those who would cheat and hurt people who were already downtrodden.

I have not done well by my people. Bilbo I fear that I have led them to nothing but heartache and disappointment. We have no  mountain. While the city is keeping us alive, and we are learning new ways to survive, we are not thriving.

I am sorry to burden you with this. I am sorry that I cannot tell you this in person. I cannot confide my fears to my sister, nor to anyone else here. They are my family and they worry enough as it is. I feel I can confide this to you. The question of whether or not you are able to read this still pains me.

But you have always been someone I can trust. Somehow, I feel you can see this weakness in me and not judge me poorly for it. I miss you, everyday.

 

Love

  
Thorin


	13. 15th August, 2926

15th August, 2926  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire

 

Bilbo,

A hundred and twenty seven years ago, my grandfather launched a battle to retake our home in Moria. It was the greatest treasure of the dwarrow. It was our first home. Wealth and prestige flowed from the mountain and our halls and spread to every corner of Middle Earth.

Dwarrow are not meant to keep our homes and Halls. Something woke in its depths. Durin’s Bane it is called, a foul demon that has scourged our kind in the hidden recesses of our mines and roads. It was dormant. We had thought it slumbered or had been killed. An Age or more had come and gone since the last time we heard it’s harrowing roar. My grandfather wanted to reclaim our home. He and my father said they desired to retake Moria because no other place could hold us.

Naively, I believed them. We initiated a battle in the Dimrill Dale that took nearly a decade and cost tens of thousands of lives. Dwarrow from all of the Clans were involved in the effort, and paid dearly for it. I was fifty-two when we launched our final attack. My brother Frerin was forty-eight.

I have never told you of Frerin. It hurts to even think of him, and I guard every memory of have of him near to my heart. We were very close growing up. He was a wonderful, bright, shining boy. He was my best friend.

I lost him on the banks of Mirrormere. He died in my arms. I couldn’t save him, Bilbo. I tried so hard to save him. But he took his last breath as his lifeblood stained my hands. I had promised to protect him.

He was such a thoughtful child growing up. He had nightmares all his life. But when he was small I would go into his room and keep him safe. I promised I would always keep him safe.

I miss him so very much. I have had more years without him than with him, and I would trade every one of them to hear him laugh once more.

There is a celebration tonight in the town centre. Candles line the streets and everywhere there is flame. It is in honour of the Burned Dwarves. Those dwarrow who died on the field of Azanulbizar could not be buried in stone. They were burnt instead.

Save for two. My brother was one, and Dwalin and Balin’s father another. Mahal, Bilbo I burned my grandfather’s corpse after the battle but I could not burn my brother’s.

I may pay for that. For elevating my brother above my king. But Thror was sick. He was obsessed with gold, and wealth, beyond that of any other dwarf. He hoarded it, dressed in it. Frerin and I used to joke that he ate it. It would not have surprised me. He was not in his right mind when he launched that attack and we dwarrow have paid for it. We paid for it with our lives then, and we continue to pay for it with our dignity now.

The council of the Seven Kingdoms do not listen to me, will not accept my authority or my right to rule. They believe I might become as sick as my grandfather and father. They are waiting for signs of the same illness. To prove once and for all that Durin House is weak. I am not weak, Bilbo. But I am afraid. I am afraid of being like them. I am afraid of not being able to protect those I care about, those who are under my protection. Most of all I am afraid that if I do not do something soon I will give up.

I have lost everyone dear to me. I have lost so much. I do not know how much longer I can keep going like this.

I fear I must apologize again. I find myself maudlin this evening.

Ever yours,

  
Thorin


	14. 22nd September, 2926

22nd September, 2926  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire

 

Bilbo,

Another little one has joined our family. Dis and Dwalin are beside themselves with joy. Mahal has blessed their family for a third time now. Dwarrow children are rare and very precious. And each one is such a gift.

I’m glad that my nanaddan have been born during times of stability, and not during the long winters of our exile. And yet I mourn that they were not born inside Erebor, and this latest joy was born under the sky, and not under rock. Oh how they cry.

We are stone born, Bilbo. We should be born with a mountain over our heads so that we may feel Mahal’s presence all around us. The little one will be well, and in a few days we’ll go into one of the remaining safe caves in the mountain and hold their naming ceremony.

It is the first of many ceremonies around newborns and I am looking forward to it. The naming ceremony is done within days of a child’s birth. It is a private event amongst the closest family members. Dis, Dwalin, myself, Fili and Kili, Eydis and Ylva, will all be there. Dis and Dwalin have already picked out their secret name. This is the name of their soul, the private name that is only spoken three more times in their life. When they come of age, when they choose to marry, and on their death bed.

Do hobbits have secret names? For all that I spent years in the Shire there are so few things I know about your culture. It is your birthday today, and I now have another reason to celebrate this day.

I wish you were here to celebrate. It has been three years since we began courting, we could have been married now. Bilbo, whatever they may have forced you into, please know I love you, I will never stop. No matter what has happened, if they have forced you to marry someone else, I will never forgive _them_. I will always, always forgive you.

The thought of you with someone else angers me so much. I know you may have had no choice, and it is not you who draws my anger. The other hobbits who have forced such a decision upon you, who have taken your choices away from you. I will never understand why a dress would make them believe that you are female. I worry less about the dress, and more about other decisions that may have been forced upon you.

You once told me that children are the expectation of a marriage between hobbits. Have they required that of you? Have you given this hobbit husband children?

Whilst I have no doubt that any child you have would be beautiful, you should never have been forced into that decision. You should never have been required to do something as intimate as sex with someone who doesn’t recognize you for who you are.

Perhaps, one day, you and I could have discussed children. I never would have required it. Sun of my heart, you have no need to fear that. I do not need an heir, Fíli and his brother Kíli are my heirs. I named them thus when they were moments old. I made them my heirs for many reasons, they were part of my house and succession does not need to follow from father to child. Also, by ensuring succession I was able to firmly ground House Durin so that it will continue long into the future.

In my heart of hearts, Bilbo and I will admit it here on paper, where you will never read it, that I would have liked to have a child with you. To hold a child we created would be a gift given directly from Mahal. The loss of those choices, those discussions, of being the first one to touch you. I could take every hobbit who has stolen this choice from us and kill them all.

I know you are a gentle creature. I am sorry that I am not. I am a brutish, stubborn, violent dwarf. You tempered my anger though, your presence brought light to my life again. Whether you and I ever decided to have children, or if you decided to complete your transition, it would have been wonderful.

Because we would have been together. But that choice was taken from us. You have been forced to live a life that you are not meant to, and I am stuck here, trapped by duty and cowardice.

I am afraid, Bilbo. I am afraid that if I go to you I will see you wearing a dress you hate, all but chained to the arm of another hobbit. I am afraid that I will not have the strength to just watch. That I might do something horrible that you would be unable to forgive me for.

These choices should have been ours. You should be by my side and we should be wed.

 

Damn them all.

  
Thorin. 


	15. 15th December 2926

15th, December, 2926  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire

 

 

I have been receiving reports of increased Orc sightings on the East Road. Please take care. I know the borders of the Shire are protected. I know the Rangers keep you safe, but please, please take care.

I may not able to be with you, you may be someone else’s now, but you will forever be mine in my heart.

I do not know what I would do if I lost you.

 

Love always,

 

Thorin.


	16. 22nd September, 2927

22th September, 2927  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire

 

It is your birthday and I am not there to celebrate it. I hope you have had better in the years since your coming of age. I hope your family has seen the error of their ways.

I have started correspondence with your elf friend, Lord Elrond. He was so kind and wise to you in your time of need I hold out hope that he will be able to offer me advice as well. I continue to look to the Lonely Mountain but I am stymied here in Ered Luin. Once again the other dwarven kingdoms still do not recognize my right to rule, and as such I am still unable to launch an attack upon the dragon that may yet dwell within.

The dragon has slumbered many of these last years, and it is a fragile hope, but perhaps he is dead. Perhaps I will be able to reclaim my throne and return to you as the true King I am.

Bilbo, it has been four years since I last held you. Four years since you put a courting braid in my hair. I have not taken it out. I will never remove it. My sister has looked upon it, but has not questioned it, for which I thank Mahal. She is a stubborn, ill tempered harridan when she has decided I am not doing something I should. I do not know what has stilled her usual concern, but I am grateful for it.

I could not answer if she asked. I am as much a coward to her as I was to you.

I miss you terribly. If running this damnable city did not require so much of my time I would have gone to the Shire and begged for you forgiveness in person. These correspondence are but a pale shadow to the words that sear my heart.

 

 

I love you,

 

Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A week late but another letter! 
> 
> Thank you guys for reading, it means so much.


	17. 25th January, 2928

25th January, 2928  
Bilbo Baggins  
Shire

 

The snows have been very bad in the passes this year. And reports of Orc sightings have tripled. Are you safe dear heart? I understand that you cannot forgive me. I have accepted this. 

I only write to ensure myself of your well-being. I apologize if this is untoward. I promise this will be the last time I write.

~~Ever yours~~

Thorin

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lateness! RL is a bit of a shit. Still not quite back to normal but we'll see. 
> 
> Thank you, and I love you all!


	18. 15th July, 2929

15th July, 2929   
Bilbo Baggins   
Shire

 

 

I have found something I scarcely believe. We dwarrow are very superstitious, and find meaning in even the seemingly innocuous. The flight pattern of birds in winter for example. I do not know all the ways, we have Oracles to understand and explain these to us. We also have many stories. 

One of these regards a particular stone. I know you, I can almost see you laughing as I speak of a particular rock, but darling, this is no ordinary gem. This is the arkenstone. 

It is said this stone was the heart of the mountain. Found deep within the mines and given a place of honour in the throne room, it has many stories attached to it. Each more fantastical than the last. 

I have found one that may be true. There are old engravings, and very old scrolls that depict a similar stone found in Moria in the First Age. Rumours surround it, but there are stories. Stories of resurrection. Of dwarrow buried deep in their tombs, waking as if from sleep.

Bilbo it could be just a legend. Yet another bit of false information to conflate the true importance of the stone. But the scrolls Balin has found are from the First Age. It is more than one story, more than one historian. They are not all referencing each other or the same event. They speak of multiple occasions, different times, and different locales.

I’m not sure what this means. I dare not put my hope into words. But I needed to tell someone. 

 

  
Thorin


	19. 2nd May, 2930

2nd May, 2930  
Bilbo Baggins   
Shire

 

Bilbo,

I write to you not for me. I have promised you I would no longer burden you with these correspondences but I can no longer stay silent. I know I have told you of my family. Of my sister Dis and her husband, my best friend Dwalin, and their children.

Fíli and Kíli are from her first marriage and now they have three little ones, the youngest is turning four. They are a joy to see and I find myself surrounded by them often in these dark days. They are my only joy left. 

I write to you because recently their eldest, Eydis has chosen. She has turned thirteen and we have celebrated her first choosing this year. A choosing celebration is usually such a joyous occasion, Bilbo. I wish you could see them, I wish I could have given you one.

Since our exile though, we are faced with a new and unforeseen challenge. We have no more choosing stones. If other Kingdoms have them, they do not admit such, though from the reports I've heard they are not in as dire straits as we appear to be. I do not believe I ever explained to you how they work. These gems come only from deep within Erebor.

They are considered sacred.

During our time in Erebor no one ever wanted for them. They were everywhere, and families often had an abundance. Once a choosing stone was given to a dwarfling they would wear it during their puberty and it would foster the required changes so that once the dwarfling had reached maturity, their body and mind would be one.

The dragon has ruined all of that. When Erebor fell we ran with only the clothes on our back and the few wares we had with us at the time. Some families still had choosing stones available, others were less fortunate.

My shame was forged unknown in this time of desolation.

During our long exile we were forced to sell most of our heirlooms. Those pieces we still had with us, brooches, hair pins, rings, pendants. They all went into the pockets of Men so that we might buy food and equipment, or rent forges in order to survive.

I had a choosing stone, not because it was necessary, but because my grandfather sought to ensure a royal heir. He did the same with my brother. Neither of us had need of them and that became quite obvious once we started puberty.

We were starving, and while dwarrow are known for being hearty folk inside a mountain, outside in the cold and the muck of living in tent cities such as we were, my sister became very ill.

Bilbo, I sold my stone, my brother followed suit. We were able to purchase enough medicine that Dis recovered and were able to feed many families.

I cannot regret that decision, Bilbo. I cannot in my heart of hearts regret buying her that medicine. It possibly saved her life, and we were able to survive that much longer. I was unable to see the future consequences of that decision.

Oh Bilbo, my little nephew, my darling Kíli is like you. He chose when he was ten and lived in the surety of his choice for many years. We celebrated with him and showered him with the acceptance that any society rightly should.

But Mahal has chosen to test our house. We could not locate a stone in time. Kili entered puberty. He has received all the support he needs in our house, but he has confided in me his anger and his feelings of betrayal at the betrayal of his body.

I am heart-sick with guilt, Bilbo. It has stilled my tongue all these years. It has never been my place to tell anyone about my nephew. I would have liked to share this knowledge with you, but I didn’t feel it to be my place.

Also, my own guilt once again stilled my tongue. I have hurt my nephew in ways I can never seek forgiveness for. He is a wonderful, bright, amazing boy. But he is about to come into his majority in a body he feels like a stranger in.  

The elves helped you, is there a way that their magics and herbal remedies might be able to help him? I only ask because I cannot watch another year go by with him like this. He tries so very hard and he is such a wonderfully kind dwarf. His brother Fíli is very protective of him.

Recently, I noticed a change in the two of them. Kíli’s beard has always been a source of trouble for him. Dwarrow women can grow magnificent beards, but they sometimes take a very long time to come in. I’m not sure what transpired, but Kíli and Fíli have recently shorn their beards. They say it is in solidarity with mine until the reclamation of our lost home.

My heart swells with pride for them, Bilbo. But I fear the true reason has something more to do with Kíli’s acceptance of himself and perhaps hurtful things were said. We dwarrow like to believe we’re accepting, but we have been put to the test since Erebor and I have found we have our own prejudices. We just had the privilege to ignore them when we flourished.

If you can offer any sort of aid, I would never be able to repay your kindness. Know that this is not for me, but for my Kíli. Someday I will reclaim our home and I will be able to place a choosing stone upon him and he will finally be the dwarrow I have seen since the days I cradled him against me.

I do not know where else to turn, I await your reply.

 

All my love,

 

Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five chapters left! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!


	20. 10th, August, 2930

10th, August, 2930   
Bilbo Baggins   
Shire

 

There are rumours coming from the Misty Mountains. Dwarven traders speak of a something harrying the orcs in the passes. The elves in the region have kept most of the roads safe but the last years have been difficult with the ever increasing orc packs.

There are rumours that this creature is a dwarf. It is small, battle fierce and has been making a name for itself even amongst the orcs. There hasn’t been a dwarf living near the Misty Mountains in hundreds of years. 

I worry it might be my father. He hasn’t been seen in quite some time, rumours of him have all but dried up, and I fear he may be dead. 

I was urged by the council many years ago to declare him such. To announce that succession and the continuation of the Longbeards outweighed the need to find one dwarrow. I have long feared that I have given up on him. That I left him in the clutches of the enemy and he was forced to endure things unimaginable. 

Perhaps this is his spirit, haunting the orcish forces on the roads near Khazad-Dûm, seeking revenge for the damage they have caused our people. Perhaps he is more than spirit and he still lives yet. 

I dare not hope. I have so little left. 

Stay safe in your Shire, my love. 

  
Thorin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Hey, guess what. Four more chapters and this is finished. You know what that means? I do and I'm ridiculously excited!! I've not finished the sequel (which at one point was my hope, but let's be real) but I have the first third completed (final wc pending, but current total is 96K). I'll be starting to post that starting the first or second week of December. 
> 
> SERIOUSLY I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS TO READ IT. 
> 
> Thank you all again for reading my fics. Not just this one, but all of them. You guys have been amazing, and your comments have been so much help, I cherish every single one of them. I seriously don't know what I would have done without any of you reading along, I worried so much about these fics and all the warnings. 
> 
> Please guys, please, take some time and visit Striving-artist, she has done so much awesome work helping me. She deserves all the cookies ever. 
> 
> <3


	21. 5th November, 2930

5th November, 2930   


Bilbo Baggins   


Shire

 

I have tried to seek council with your elven friends. I have been corresponding with Lord Elrond for the last three years and while his advice has been considered, and he seems to be a very knowledgeable elf, I’m not sure he understands. 

I have been trying to gather information and support for retaking Erebor. The dragon has been asleep for years and it is time to reclaim it. It is time for the Longbeards to go home.

More than that. I cannot live here anymore. I have no home. I do not belong here, I do not belong in the Shire. I do not belong anywhere. I am so very tired, Bilbo. I cannot have you, perhaps I can have Erebor. Or I can die trying. 

Where Elrond has been respectful but aloof, Thranduil has been arrogant, rude, and overbearing in all of his missives. He is demanding and ignorant by turns. He wants gems I have never even heard of, claimed my grandfather stole them from him.

I do not know if what he claims is true, but I do not like that he is placing conditions upon information alone. I daren’t think what he could demand should I require his support. 

I do not know where to turn, but I know that I cannot live here much longer. 

 

Yours, 

  
Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three More! Thank you all you lovely people!


	22. 29th December, 2930

21st, December, 2930   
Bilbo Baggins   
Shire

 

Someone in the human city is selling stones that claim to be the ancient choosing stones from Erebor. They are charging a fortune and our younger children, those who have had to suffer through a puberty have been going to this man to get a stone and then sells them concoctions that are make them sick. 

A group, led by my sister has since removed this person and his wares from the city, but we are still left with the pain he left behind. He has hurt our children. He has caused them so much pain, Bilbo. 

I was not told of his treachery until after he had been confronted. Perhaps it was for the better, but I wish I had been told, I wish I had been the one to throw him from the city. 

I am being gentle to you my hobbit. We take care of our children and guard them fiercely for they are rare and precious and such a gift. When one of them is hurt we seek to fix those pains. Many of our children have been hurt by this creature. The mothers and fathers were not kind to this Man who caused them pain. 

I will not tell you what they did, just know that they will never bother anyone again.

Are you well, Bilbo? I haven’t heard from you regarding my request. Are you even able to send the information? Is it even possible for you or did they destroy your medicine when they forced you into a dress? 

I find I cannot write anymore. I cannot bear to think on this.

 

I love you, 

  
Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters. This is just unenduringly painful I know. These chapters were difficult to write, but Thorin's hopelessness is a character all it's own. It's sad, but remember there is a sequel to come, and that will start posting within a week. :D 
> 
> For those who are interested or have ended up here and need a refresher before the sequel starters here's the first fic in the series [Interludes of my Still Beating Heart ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3791941/chapters/8440945)
> 
> Also all the thanks goes to Striving artist for this fic. It started off as a way to get into Thorin's mindset before the start of the sequel, it took on a life of it's own.


	23. 1st March, 2931

1st March, 2931   
Bilbo Baggins   
Shire 

 

Something has happened to you, I know it. I feel it in my heart. You may not have forgiven me. It is your right to do; I have hurt you most cruelly. But to not receive any acknowledgment of Kìli's condition. Kind as you are, you would never do that without reason. 

The only thing I can assume is that you are not receiving your mail either through cruel accident or design. Or worse still, you are injured or have been harmed in some way that prevents you from corresponding. 

I am making my way to you once the snows melt. I have business with the council as I once again attempt to curry support for my cause. I just need to know you are safe and alive, my sunshine. I promise not to linger. Once I am assured of your safety and well being I will be on my way. 

I find myself very afraid for what has happened to you. Please be safe. 

 

All my love, 

Thorin 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys, all of you. One more left Which I will post on Monday. I'm woefully behind in responding to all your lovely comments, I promise to get to all of them. Again, I want to thank Striving-Artist for the epic beta, and for all of you, you guys have been magical and have kept me going through all of this.


	24. 23rd April, 2931

23rd April, 2931

 

Please no.  Say you are alive. Please, not this. Do not be dead. Tell me the hobbits lied. Tell me they speak false and that you are but hiding away from me. That you are angry, that you hate me. Oh my love, please do not be dead.

You cannot be dead. I still feel you in my heart. The scent of the grass in your Shire has awakened every memory of you inside me. I feel as if you are right here.

I cannot believe you are dead. Write to me, come to me.

Do not be dead.

Please live.

I need you.

It cannot be real.

What they said cannot be the truth. Tell me you are angry. Tell me you hate me and never wish to see me again. Please dear heart, please, do not dead.

Anything but dead.

Please tell me that they are wrong.

Tell me you have not gone on to the afterlife of Men, that you are not beyond me forever. Bilbo, I can’t bear this. The beat of my heart is faltering, it has stuttered as if missing its other half. This pain cannot be the loss of you.

They say you died. You ran off to be with your dwarven lover. But you never arrived. You never wrote back. I never sent anyone to receive you.

I never went to greet you myself. They say you died on the road, beset by brigands.  That you are lost in some unmarked grave in a ditch.

Bilbo.

Bilbo, please do not be dead.

I now understand this pain; this fear I have carried.

I am so sorry.

It is my fault.

Forgive me, Ibrûzamrâbê.

I will find a way.

I cannot-- I cannot let you be dead; I cannot follow you if you are dead. You deserve more than a grave by the road. I will bring you back. I promise you, if I have to wrest the arkenstone from the maw of a dragon I will do it to bring you back.

I should never have left you.

  
Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ibrûzamrâbê -- Sun of my Soul
> 
> [Stillness of the Mind by Abel Korzeniowski](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zm5pbLMn8j8) For soundtrack purposes. In case you wish to add to the pain.
> 
> Speaking of which, I should hide now yes? 
> 
> Bestest beta ever goes to Striving-artist. Seriously. 
> 
> And this ends the letters. This is the last one Thorin will write, and we'll be picking up with the next fic no later than the end of the week. I know I've been hinting at it for months now, but the title is "Where the Road then Takes Me. Inspired by and a line lifted completely from Last Goodbye from Botfa, because that movie broke me. Thank you again for reading, I'm so so so happy and grateful to read your comments, to know you are interested and invested in this universe of mine. Can't wait to see you guys in the sequel.

**Author's Note:**

> [Striving-Artist](http://archiveofourown.org/users/StrivingArtist/pseuds/StrivingArtist) is the bestest beta ever. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading!


End file.
